Where do I come from | Azure Ananda

Where do I come from, and where am I going?

By Hanne

When I started writing a blog in 2015, I wrote news on how I was doing once a year, usually in October, when my company has its “birthday.” 2020 was supposed to be super awesome for my company, and I had planned many things to happen during the year. We all know that nothing went as it might have in 2020. In this post, I carry a little of the past two years with me and reflect on the present and the future. So, where do I come from, and where am I going?

Where do I come from, and where am I going?

March 2020. I sit on my mother’s couch, gazing around the room. I’m not entirely sure if I’m awake or if I’m asleep. I had just returned from India to Finland, who knows how long. Just before I left India, I had received a job offer from an inn by the seafront where I was to teach yoga daily. And keeping the inn rolling while the owner was supposed to be traveling from March onwards for 3-6 months.

Now. During the past two years, life has revolved around in many different ways. I have been thinking about the direction of life, choices, and, in many ways, the purpose of life. As I think about it now, the first year was a year of growth. It was about accepting the circumstances, abandoning the plans, and leaving behind the idea of India. At least for the time being.

Coming to the milestone of two years, I look back and state that I have studied a new profession for myself. Who would have believed it to happen? For more than ten years, I have studied everything possible related to sports and nutrition. Everything started with studies in nutrition science, and the following trainings have seemed to be a natural continuum. But now, I am also a photographer. So I think it is safe to say that life takes you forward and sometimes to the most unexpected places.

Why India?

Why India? I have heard this question so many times, and I don’t really have an answer to the question. The only thing I can say is that I feel at home in India. I like the simple life in India. I like to wash my laundry by hand in a bucket, and I like that there are no ready-to-eat kidney beans in the store, for example.

I like the rhythm of life in India. And even though the Indian time concept frustrates me, I embraced the same style while I was there myself. What do I mean by the time concept? Well, it is when someone says, “See you in five minutes,” and five minutes is actually two hours. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. At least you can say goodbye to stressing the schedules.

What is wrong with Finland?

When I returned to Finland in June 2019 after eight months in India, I no longer felt any connection to the country where I was born. I have thought many times that I would probably never return to Finland if I didn’t have family and friends in Finland. In 2019 I felt utterly rootless in my home country. I have often jokingly said that I was born in the wrong country, and at that time in June 2019, I felt it more strongly than ever before.

A year ago, I understood why I had to be in Finland. I may never have seen Finland the way I see it now. Finland is my home country, but it doesn’t have to mean that I belong here. Or that I should feel like I belong here.

Now. Coming to this moment, being in Finland has taught me, above all, the significance of this moment. This moment is the only one that ever is. And while I miss India, I don’t want life wasted on dreaming of being back there or reflecting on the past all the time. Funny that I thought I learned the skill of living in the moment years ago. 🙂

Life in India

First, life in India is far from perfect. India can be annoying, frustrating, and noisy. It is primarily thanks to India that I do not take things so apparent to me before, like electricity or hot water, for granted. In most Indian homes, the shower only comes with cold water.

My best friend, who is Indian, has asked countless times why I want to settle in Varkala. Why don’t I travel in India, and most of all, why don’t I travel outside of India? When I moved to India in 2018, I just needed stability in my life. In the past six months, I had quit my job moved to Indonesia because of my new dream job, intending to stay for eight months, but I was only for a month because the earthquake changed everything.

At that time, I had just ended a relationship in Finland that had lasted for more than a decade. It was clear that I was just selling everything I owned and leaving. I needed peace, quiet, and space to breathe, to gather my thoughts. I wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted to belong to Varkala, to become part of that little Indian village. And I still want that.

Now. I sometimes think about returning to India and that even though my home is in Varkala, I now definitely want to travel in India. Yes, me. The one who was so absolutely sure that it is just best to be at one place; I have found a wanderer within. 😉 To tell the truth, only now do I feel ready to do so. I have gathered my thoughts enough;) I often also think about the color of the Indian sunsets, and in those thoughts, I can’t wait to be back there again. To live, breathe, and photograph the colors of the sunsets.

Returning home in 2019

When I returned to Varkala in 2019, I felt really at home. The place had become my home. It felt like I was slowly rooting there. And therefore, I had no urge to travel anywhere else. It was interesting to see how the staff at my favorite restaurants met me when they met me again. They already knew I wasn’t talking to strangers, and the new restaurant staff was told that “She’s not talking to stranges, don’t even try your usual speeches.” 🙂

In my first year in Varkala, I was a fearful and frightened person. True, I still don’t talk to strangers, and even strangers know me for always listening to music and living in my own world. In Varkala, I have been given the nickname “Silent Character .”But what can I say? I’m an introvert and live in my own world, at least most of my time.

Now. I wonder what kind of person returns to India this time. I can say with 100% certainty that that person is not fearful or frightened. Is she even quiet anymore? The journey traveled outside of the comfort zone has been long for sure

Where do I come from, and where am I going?

Then (2020). I tried to feel my roots here, in my homeland. I tried. I didn’t know how. I walked around in my hometown, feeling entirely out of place. I felt like a person who had been torn from the roots and dropped here. Tears rolled down my cheeks while I felt like I was shrinking after returning to Finland, feeling my true self slowly fading away.

A year ago. I’ve given up many times, been very sad, and even though that life won’t take me anywhere anymore. For a moment, I even thought it was pointless even to try. Then I remembered what I had learned and what I always taught others; that is, the power of the mind. Focus on the good, and the good will follow.

No matter how bad things and the world look, good things are ahead of us. My home and my future are in India, and definitely, one day, I will be there again.

Now. It is a cliché, I know; however, I am grateful for all the challenges that life has given me over the last couple of years. Without them, I would be incomplete. And I probably would never have taken such an incredible spiritual journey as during these years. Where I’m going is perhaps still unanswered, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in recent years, it’s that life happens and surprises you. So let there be a surprise here too. I conclude with a sentence I write in my gratitude diary every day, and it is: Thank you for this life I’ve given.

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Hi, I'm Hanne

I am a yoga instructor and personal trainer dedicated to holistic wellbeing and natural living. On my blog, I share insights and practical tips to help you find balance and harmony in your life.